Psychological reading for Parents and Educators

Text by: Patricia Feldman
Psychoanalyst, Psychologist with a Transpersonal Orientation
Trained in Buddhism

Adopting a child into our family or environment is an event that is as wonderful as it is transformative. Through simple imagery, this story describes the experience of that process. Here are some ideas to help reflect on this transition so the adaptation may be smoother and more meaningful for everyone involved in this beautiful new family journey.

One of the main tasks for those already within the family — both adults and children — is making room for the child who arrives. Making room means welcoming them emotionally, psychologically, physically, within relationships, and in everyday life, while giving this process the time and love needed for a new, transformative, and joyful experience to grow within everyone.

An adopted child arrives with a previous story, even if they are very young. Making room means giving them time to trust. Trust is not immediate: the child needs to know they will not be “replaced” or “left behind,” that they will be loved exactly as they are, and that they will not be abandoned again.

It is important to validate their history. Their past is part of their life; no matter how painful it may have been, it should not be erased, but acknowledged in a simple, honest way — without dramatizing or hiding it.

Making room for this child also means supporting their emotions, no matter how difficult or painful they may be. Fear, withdrawal, or challenging behaviors may appear. These emotions are normal, because adoption always involves a previous loss. Making room is not only emotional; it is also practical in everyday life. It means integrating the child into the family without demanding immediate adaptation, while offering stable routines, clear schedules, gentle boundaries, and predictability. All of this creates safety and calm.

The child or children joining a new family should also have a space of their own, a place created especially for them. This physical space does not need to be large; it only needs to help them feel that they belong and have been considered. We must remember that, even if the child is very young, they already have their own personality, and it is important that they feel able to make some choices, such as what clothes to wear, how to decorate their room, or what they want to eat. These gestures help them feel heard, valued, and included.

Beyond everyday routines, it is also necessary to make room for them in relationships. Welcoming an adopted child is not about winning their affection, nor does the child arrive to fill an emotional void within us. Rather, we are there for the child: to educate, guide, love, and parent them. That bond is built little by little. Creating secure attachment where there has been abandonment — and sometimes mistreatment — requires patience and time.

Building the relationship through small actions — eye contact, cooperative games, participating in household activities, displays of affection such as hugs (when the child accepts them), talking about our family history and allowing the child to share theirs when they feel ready, including them in photos and celebrations — helps create connection and integration between everyone. We must also understand that emotional or behavioral regressions are natural, such as bedwetting, tantrums, or fear of sleeping alone. These behaviors should be met with patience because they are signs of adaptation, not failures.

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Making room also means creating space within ourselves for everything this adoption awakens. Our own identity and understanding of what it means to be a mother or father will change. Above all, we must let go of idealized expectations about parenthood and accept that love may grow gradually. Bonds and affection are built over time.

Integrating an adopted child with biological or previously adopted children is a delicate and important process. The essential goal is to reduce rivalry, build security, and establish clear roles. It is important to prepare the other children before the new child arrives. Explain in advance that a sibling is coming who needs a family and that together you will care for them, avoiding placing the new child in the role of “someone to pity” or “someone we must save.” Showing photos, if possible, and explaining that the child may need extra attention at first can prevent feelings of favoritism.

When the moment arrives, the other family members can also play an active role in welcoming the child. They may help choose a book or toy as a gift, prepare a welcome letter or drawings, or show them the house and play areas. This gives them a sense of belonging and participation in what is happening.

At the same time, it is important to respect everyone’s pace. Both the child arriving and the children already there need relationships to develop naturally — without forcing immediate closeness or expecting them to share everything right away. It is essential that each child has individual moments with each parent and personal space among siblings. Relationships are built gradually, not by decree.

It is also very important to establish clear and equal rules for everyone. The adopted child should not receive “special treatment” compared to the others, even if internally we may feel extra patience toward them. The same rules, consequences, and structure create security. The other children need to feel they are not losing their place. That is why creating spaces for conversation with siblings is necessary. Ask them privately how they are feeling, whether something worries them, or whether there is something they would like to change. This helps prevent silent jealousy and resentment. Validating their emotions is healthy: feeling jealous is normal.

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Little by little, family rituals that include everyone will emerge, and it is important to encourage them. Reading together before bed, weekend outings, cooperative games, cooking together, or having “movie Fridays,” where each family member takes turns choosing the movie, are small acts that create connection and shared history. It is through these small moments that relationships are truly lived, and attachment bonds grow stronger with time and loving care.